Regrets
by Mrs.DeppQueenObsessorGoddess
Summary: My first fanfic. About a pirate named Evurette Castelle looking back on something she did and hating herself for it. Set after AWE, a bit of an alternate universe. R&R! The title is terrible, I know, so if you can think of a better one I'd love to hear it


**Alright, people. This is my first ever fanfc, so tell me what you think. Oh, btw, I only own _The Murderess_ and Evurette. That's it. Any spelling or grammar mistakes are mine and mine alone, thought I have read through this many times. I have a feeling I missed a few things, though. Don't you hate it when you feel like that?**

I just couldn't believe it's over. Did it all actually happen? The last few months went by in a blur of movement and confusion. I wondered what'd come next for my crew and I...we _did_ win, after all. But was it worth the slaughter? So many innocent lives wasted, so many souls shattered.

This I pondered as I paced my ship, _The Murderess_. I came to a stop and looked over the side of my ship; the body toll was endless.

Then came the question, _why did I care_? I was Captain Evurette Castelle, after all. I _wanted_ this to happen. I wanted to win.

But then I saw it, and it was then I remembered why. It came floating by, just like all the others. All the many others. Except this one was different. No, this one was _much_ different. It was once a man, an extremely rich aristocrat. His lifeless corpse was wearing an extremely expensive outfit, it seemed. It had much brocade, more than I had ever seen.

Pain overflowed every fiber of my being to see that - that _thing_ in the water. Not a physical pain, but an emotional one. An extreme feeling that one can only hope never to feel even in their wildest dreams. The pain to know you've killed _one_ man is hard enough to deal with, let alone a _hundred_. But to kill _this_ man, to kill this man and to be forced to live with it for the rest of your life; that feeling is indescribable.

If my crew found out, oh, they would have my head. I know I shouldn't care, I know I should've just turned my head around and focused on tomorrow, but I couldn't.

_Why couldn't I?!?! _I askd myself over and over again, yet I could never find an answer.

Why couldn't I forget this man, the man who killed hundreds of pirates, of _us_, without a second thought? The man who would've killed my crew and laughed about it? The man who would've killed me?

Maybe it's because on the inside he is nice and caring. Maybe it's because when _I_ knew him, when I knew him he was honourable and sweet. What could've turned him into the monster he had become?

The pain at that point was more than unbearable. I felt like I was about to faint and be sick; my vision began to blur. I needed to lie down.

I staggered weakly to my cabin, barely making it to my bed. I had almost sat down when I felt my legs give out from under me. I laid down and put my hands over my face. I wanted to sleep. Sleep and forget my sorrows. Sleep and forget him. Unfortunately, my prayer of sleep was not granted.

So, there I lay, traumatized. Unable to move, unable to cry, unable to die. I was numb. No feeling passed through my body at this point, none at all. I just lay there trying, hoping, praying to make it stop.

Surely, I thought, surely being condemned to this fate was worse than death itself.

Then, ever so slowly, I drifted off to a land where nightmares haunted my thoughts and regrets plagued my mind. At least I wasn't conscious.

Sadly, I didn't stay asleep for long, only a few hours. When I awoke it was the middle of the night; I had calmed down some. The pain was still there, all too real, but I had calmed.

I played his last moments through my head many a many times. I came to the conclusion that I had to. Yes, it had to be done. Everyone would've turned on me had I not done it.

This thought did nothing to comfort me, though. If anything, the pain worsened. I just wished there was somewhere I could run. Somewhere I could hide. Just to get away from myself.

I wanted more than anything to die as I thought, why did I kill Cutler Beckett?

**Ok, so what did you think? My first fanfic, so reviews and suggestions are greatly appreciated. If you can think of a better title I would really like to hear it, I couldn't think of anything.**


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